A new beginning

As I sit, watching the rain fall on a cool Monday in September, I’m feeling grateful for all the hardships I’ve endured that has gotten me here, my new home in Washington. Too much time has passed, so many things were put on hold during these past two years and I’m so over it. Over the masks, the distancing, living in cities so finding a space to call home on 20 acres close to the Columbia Gorge has been a lifesaver. Here I can do what I want and have found serenity and peace. My life has been turned upside down the past three years, without Covid to blame. I lost my father to cancer, my hero and the greatest example of what a good man should be. I had the honor of taking care of him during the last few months of his life but have found it nearly impossible to say goodbye, but I’m trying to let go, slowly but surely. A year after that, mourning such a great loss and realizing that life is so short I knew that it was time. I separated from my husband, who is a wonderful person but could no longer see a future in that relationship, I wanted things that he could not offer me and we parted as friends.

So I have left Southern California, the home I had for the last decade. I soon fell in and out of love with someone, making a mistake of crossing the line of friendship with a person once so dear to me, only to find that in a partnership, they weren’t who I thought they were. I regret starting that relationship because now the friendship is over as well. I was broken when I left, barely trusting my own thoughts and feelings, I was a shell of a human, and that made me angry. Needing a home, I returned to San Diego once again, finding refuge amongst friends and started to build myself back up again. I gave myself a much needed timeout. I realized that therapy was the answer and thank whatever gods are out there that I found a wonderful woman who I could talk things over with and work through some of the shit that I’ve recently been through. I started writing again, and singing and taking care of myself. And I cooked for friends. I began to find myself again and through song and words I let my rage out and happiness back in. I spent several months repairing and growing and began to form new plans for my life knowing that I didn’t want to be in California anymore. The Pacific Northwest had been on my mind for years, like it was calling me. I always loved the rain, forests and mountains. I thought of how great it would be to find myself there with an Oregon man, someone who wanted to build a life together and had the same interests and passions. Not that a man was the only way to happiness but I wanted love! I’m a lover and I still had hope that there was another person out there that. made sense for me. On a piece of paper, I hand wrote my intentions line by line, the qualities I need in a partner, even though I could barely read it and gave it over to the universe. And at the end of January 2021, beauty returned to my life once again and I haven’t looked back since.

It’s still raining outside and I couldn’t be happier about that. We just laid seed for grass in the backyard and thin fragile blades of green were just starting to appear. The rain will soak the ground, feeding the plants and animals, cleaning the air from nearby fires, making Mount Adams and Hood visible in the distance. I opened my laptop this morning and decided to write. I found this post I began last December, during my self imposed timeout. It read…

“Life is strange and unpredictable. Who knew the whole world would be dealing with a virus which has put so many things on hold for pretty much every person on this planet. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it still, even though we are 10 months into this shit. I realize we have several more months, years even, until things start to look like they once had. Although I think a lot will change permanently for all of us, one thing that will never change is celebrating and connecting with our closest over food and drink. Until the time comes where we can safely gather around a long table, I plan on joining all the road warriors out there by outfitting a van, selling my car and living on the run. I got to experience a taste of what it could be like over the last few months and how I could live that way if I got the chance. Since life has been put on hold once again, California just issued a second stay at home order, my chef gigs have ended and I don’t expect many more are coming my way, so I’ve decided now is the time! I’m starting my life over, fresh and clean, no one to be held accountable to. I’m free as a bird and honestly I’m ready for more adventures. San Diego, well Carlsbad I guess, has been a wonderful home and will continue to be my home base but I’m excited to find other places to live and work around this country, mostly in its western half. I look forward to all the new people that I will meet along the way and perhaps share a safely distant meal with. But first things first, gotta find that van and make it my home.”

I smiled as I read it. Even though it’s only been 10 months since I wrote it, so much has happened after that and while many adventures were had, I didn’t need a van. I found contentment in the Pacific Northwest with a man who wants the same things and loves what I love. Line by line, what I wrote by hand has been replete by one man! How is that possible? I’ll tell you about him sometime. I’m on my third new beginning, but as they say, the third times the charm and I really believe it. Table by Destination, t.b.d. has a new beginning as well. I’ve got my table set and I’m ready for friends to come over.

This is a love story. More to come.